This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
Ten year old Mary was sat in Sunday school dozing off during a Jesus lecture. Realising she wasn't paying attention, the teacher said, "Mary, who is our Lord?"
Billy, the boy sat behind Mary, poked her in the back with his pencil. Mary leapt up and cried "Jesus Christ!"
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher, carrying on with the lecture. Mary went back to her dozing.
Ten minutes the teacher said, "Mary, give us an example of blasphemy."
Billy leant forward and poked Mary in the back with his pencil again. "Oh my God!" Mary yelled.
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher. Mary went back to her dozing.
Ten minutes later the teacher said, "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"
Billy poked Mary in the back with his pencil again. Mary leapt up and screamed "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll snap it off!"
The teacher fainted.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
A Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each Sabbath. The Priest said, "What I do is draw a line down the center of the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God's, whatever lands on the right is mine." The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God." The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......."