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By My Side

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Her husband had been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side."

She just smiled and held his hand.

He then continued, saying "When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."

Breast Milk Advantages

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The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:

"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble

whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.

Again, what to write?;

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Brain Transplant

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A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.

But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.

"Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."

Being Poisoned!

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A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

An Irish Mental Institution

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In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike.

They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.

The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.

Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him.

The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

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An Amazing Connection With God

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A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

An Ailing Child

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The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant.

"Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the lady's breasts.

He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"

"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

Affair with a Dentist

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Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after
hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.

"Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

Actual Medical Chart

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The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

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Actual Answer from a Medical Student

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While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”