My wife came to me today, naming numerous reasons why we are still together.
She told me how she loved me dearly and how full of passion she was for me.
She told me that whatever i did, she would always love me.
She told me that we were made for each other and she had found her soul mate.
She told me how she used to be tempted by others, but now she has eyes for only one man.
Then she asked me why I thought we were still together.
Perhaps because she lets me do it to her up the rear end, and she makes a great spaghetti bolognaise were not the best answers I could of come up with.
One day a builder got home a little early, and found his wife in bed with another man.
Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage.
He then secured the man's cock in a vice.
The man shitting himself screamed "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
"Nope," replied the builder, "You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer, I know I was speeding, but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
A woman goes to Italy to attend a two-week company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers, "thank you, honey, what would you like me to bring back for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "an Italian girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks, "so, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that", she said. "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!"
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."