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One day Jesus was sitting in heaven talking to God

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One day Jesus was sitting in heaven talking to God about the world and how it had become divided by war and religion.

"You know I was thinking Father, the people of the world have lost their way and forgotten who I am."

God replied: "Son, we've been through worse times than this! Go down to Earth and visit your people, you'll see."

So Jesus leaves and goes to earth the next day. First Jesus visits a Baptist Church, and walks up to the preacher.
"Do you know who I am?"
The preacher replies "No Sir, I don't think I do."
So Jesus leaves distressed and goes to a Catholic Church and says to the priest: "Do you know who I am?"
The priest says "You look familiar Sir, but no I don't".
By this point Jesus is really pissed off because no-one seems to know who he is, so he goes to a Synagogue. He walks in and says
"Do YOU know who I am?"
The Rabbi says "Well you look familiar, but let me see you in profile."
So Jesus turns to the side.
"Hmmm, not yet. Let me see the other side of your face".
So Jesus turns again.
"Well you look familiar, but I need to be sure. Come here against this wall, spread out your arms, and put your feet together."
Jesus stands against the wall, spreads his arms and puts his feet together..the Rabbi grabs a hammer and three nails and goes BAM! BAM! BAM! "GOT YOU AGAIN YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!"

Befuddled Pc Users Flood Help Lines

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AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.

"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operations.

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Ariane 5

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This TRUE story is very interesting if you are a Software Developer or a Quality Assurance person. Still interesting to those of you who are not...

Incredible software quality story.

It took the European Space Agency 10 years and $7 billion to produce Ariane 5, a giant rocket capable of hurling a pair of three-ton satellites into orbit with each launch and intended to give Europe overwhelming supremacy in the commercial space business.

All it took to explode that rocket less than a minute into its maiden voyage last June, scattering fiery rubble across the mangrove swamps of French Guiana, was a small computer program trying to stuff a 64-bit number into a 16-bit space.

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Software Development Cycle

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Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.

   1.      Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

   2.      Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
   3.      Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

   4.      Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
   5.      See 3.

   6.      See 4.
   7.      See 5.

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Glossary of PC Messages

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It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

Email Mistakes

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It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

Alice in Digital Land

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"Where am I?" asked Alice, as she peered at the large 7-lettered sign with the standard blue letters. "You're in Digitaland," replied the security guard, "May I see your badge?"

"I don't have a badge."

"Did you lose it?"

"No." answered Alice in a puzzled tone. "How could I lose something I never had?"

"If it's not lost then you must show it to me."

"I can't. I don't have one."

"Then you'll have to have a temporary."

"A temporary what?" asked Alice, more confused then ever.

"A temporary Badge. What's your badge number?" requested the guard.

"I don't have one"

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Windows Support

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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
 

Computer Gender

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As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (for example, "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their top five reasons for drawing this conclusion were:

   1.  No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
   2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

   3.  The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
   4.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

   5.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Toasters

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If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

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