A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years, the reporter goes up to him and says, "hello I'm a reporter for the BBC and we know you're quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions." The man agrees and she asks, "so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?"
The man replies, "I have been praying for peace between the Jews and Arabs and for all world hatred and terrorism to stop, and for my children and grandchildren to grown up in a peaceful world."
The news reporter says, "Wow that's truly beautiful, how do you feel after doing this for 70 years?"
The man replies, "I feel like I've been talking to a fucking brick wall."
A Jewish American is watching a tv documentary in a New York bar. He's getting more and more drunk and has his head propped in his hands as he watches the TV telling all about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour. The narrator says "On 7th December 1941, the Imperial Japanese Navy launched an unprovoked air attack on Pearl Harbour in Hawaii." The Jew tuts into his beer. "A third of the US Fleet was destroyed in the single worst attack of the 2nd World War." The Jew gets redder and tuts even more loudly. "25,000 US men and women were killed that day, some of them burned horrifically!" The Jew gets so mad he wants to vent his anger.
He turns round and sees a little oriental guy on a bar stool at the end of the bar. He runs over and punches the Oriental in the face and knocks him off his stool. The Oriental says, "what d'fuck was dat for, you fucking iriot?!!"
"That was for Pearl Harbour!"
The American Jew feels proud of himself and the Oriental says, "you stoopid iriot, that was the fuckin Japanese, I'm Taiwanese!"
To which the Jew says, "Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, you're all slanty eyed yellow bastards!!" He sits back on his stool and starts drinking his beer.
The Taiwanese sits back on his stool and you can see his little brain working overtime. The next moment, the Taiwanese goes flying across the bar and plants a flying kick on the side of the American Jew's head, sending him crashing into the wall, "thud!"
The Jew says, "what the fuck was that for you slanty eyed cunt?"
"Dat was for de Titanic!"
"What, the fuck are you on about? That was an iceberg!!"
"Goldberg, Weinberg, Spielberg, Ice berg, you're all thieving big nosed Jew cunts!!!"
Jewish man takes his wife to hospital, she has 2 black eyes, no teeth and a broken nose.
Doctor says, "What happened?"
Jew replies, "She was going through the change."
"What? The change? This doesn't happen in the change!"
"It does when it's in my fucking pocket!"
God came down and first he went to the Germans and said "I have ten Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Germans asked "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Italians and said "I have Commandments."
And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife."
"Not covet my neighbours wife? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said "I have Commandments."
"Commandments? How much are they?"
"Good then, we'll take 10!"
At a meeting in a synagogue, Yossef asks the Rabbi, "Rabbi, why do people hate us so much?"
The Rabbi says, "That's an interesting question. How about we all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka. Each one of you should bring a bottle so we can mix it in a big pot and drink and discuss, and the answer will become clear."
Yossef went home and thought to himself, "If everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, if I bring a bottle of water then no-one will notice the difference."
And water was what he brought.
The Rabbi poured all the vodka together in one pot and started mixing it.
Yossef got anxious. "Well, Rabbi, what is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?"
The Rabbi filled a cup and said, "Drink this Yossef."
Yossef did and said, "But this is water!"
"And this is why the people hate us."
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
George Bush and Tony Blair are in a meeting at the White House. George's wife walks in and asks what they are doing.
They tell her they're making plans for world war 3. So she asks, "What are the plans?"
To which Bush says, "We're going to kill 14 million pakis and one dentist."
"Why one dentist?" she asks.
Bush pats Blair on the back and says, "Told you no one would ask about the Pakis."
An elderly jewish man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "They're not gettin' a fuckin' divorce," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."