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Baby Bear goes downstairs

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Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'who's been eating
my porridge?!!', he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.He
looks into his big bowl,and it is also empty. ' Who's been eating my
Porridge?!!,' he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, 'For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!

Farmer Giles goes to the vet

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Farmer Giles goes to the vet and tells him his horse is constipated.The vet hands him a bottle of pills and a tube,saying,"Take one of these pills,put it in the tube and stick the other end in your horse's anus.Then blow the pill up into its rectum."

Farmer Giles goes off but returns the following day looking very ill.

"What happened?"asks the vet

"It was that pill,"says Farmer Giles."I did what you said but that bastard horse blew first"

Little boy asks his dad

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Little boy asks his dad, "is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?"
Dad replies, "only if you sit down before the other bloke stands up!"

A farmer and his wife went to a fair

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A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy

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Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Depressed, a boxer walks into a doctors surgery

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Depressed, a boxer walks into a doctors surgery.

"Doc, you've got to help me" he moans. "My insomnia is terribble, I just can't get to sleep at night"

The doctor peers over his glasses. "Have you tried counting sheep?" he asks.

The boxer sighs. "Thats no good at all" he moans. "Everytime I reach nine I get up!"

There was a man with one arm

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There was a man with one arm that came to America trying to look for a job, But since he only had one arm no one wanted to hire him. So the poor man decided to kill himself by jumping off a building.

He went to the highest floor of the building and was about to jump when he saw a man on the street with no arms dancing.
So the man thought to himself 'I have one arm and im about to kill myself, but that man has no arms and he's dancing.

The man gets off the Building and goes to the man with no arms and says, "I have one arm and I'm about to kill myself, but you have no arms and you're here dancing."

The man with no arms says, "dancing? Im trying to scratch my ass!"

A rich young man was involved in a very bad car crash

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A rich young man was involved in a very bad car crash, and his Porsche was a write off. As he lay stunned at the side of the road, he moaned quietly to himself, "Oh, my car, my poor car".

A paramedic overhead his words and knelt down beside him. "Excuse me, sir," he said gently, "I think you should be more concerned about your arm."

The young man looked down to where his arm should have been and started to cry in anguish, "Oh my Rolex, my poor Rolex!"

Why men's friends are better than women's

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Why men's friends are better than women's:

A woman stays late in work and has a few drinks with her boss. They end up going back to his place and she doesn't go home till the next morning. When she arrives home, she says to her husband, "I stayed at a friend's house." At this, he called her ten best mates who all said they didn't know anything about where she stayed.

A man ends up in the same situation and his wife calls his ten best mates, of whom eight claimed he had stayed with them that night, while the other two claimed he was still there asleep.

I left my car in a car park the other day

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I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.