"Sure," the bartender replies. "Do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now," replies the guy. "One's for me and one's for my little friend here," and, with that, the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure," replied the guy and, with that, the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing," replied the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing," replied the bartender. "Can he talk?"
"Of course," says the guy. "Hey, Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."
Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring joke over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember)
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.
He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...
After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
He sat down next to a priest.
The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that", the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.
What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies.
"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"
"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."
"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"
"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"