The maid asked for a pay increase.
The housewife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Marian, why do you want a pay increase?
Marian: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you. '
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Marian: 'Your husband said so.'
Marian: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
'Your husband did.'
Marian: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Marian: 'No ...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
"Anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after delivering the room service pizza.
"No thanks lad, that will be all," replied the gentleman. At this point, the bellboy notices a beautiful women laying on the bed, long legs, long blonde hair and bright blue eyes.
"Anything for your wife, sir?" The bellboy asks.
"Oh good idea, bring me up a postcard will you?"
I walked into a therapist's office very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
I was content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later I returned with the same downtrodden expression on my face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," I replied. "My wife does."
A cheated upon wife walks in and says to her husband; "I've some good news and some bad news for you. Which would you like first?"
"Oh, errm, give us the bad then," he replies.
"I'm divorcing you," she says.
"What? Why?" he says, slightly taken aback.
"So what's the good news?" asks the husband.
"That webcam of yours works brilliantly!"
My wife said to me, "If I died tomorrow, when would you start sleeping with other women?"
I said, "Er, about three years ago".
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, Ã¢â‚¬Å“We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
A married man goes out to the pub and gets horribly drunk. He insists on taking his friend home so he can show off his posh house. They arrive at the drunk's house and when they pass through the hall, the drunk says, "Shee that chandelir, thash mine!" They progress through the house.... "Shee that big colour tel'vision shet, thash mine." Then upstairs..... "Shee that king-shise double bed, thash mine." "Shee that lovely woman naked in bed, thash my wife." "Shee that feller lyin' on top of her... thash me."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. 'No doubt about it,' one deputy said to the other. 'This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.' 'You're right,' the other deputy replied. 'But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse.'' 'No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on.' About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. 'No doubt about it,' the sheriff said, shaking his head. 'It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.' After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. 'But, you know,' he said, 'it could have been worse.' The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, 'Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!' 'Yes it could,' the sheriff retorted. 'You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in that bed!'