1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top, where your face should be, not two-thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10.CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever, even think of saying, "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14.NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like, "I love it when you come in my mouth," makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you, especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven Lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your Face
A farmer walks into a restaurant and orders the finest champagne on the menu. A lady in sees this and asks the man: 'whats the occasion?'
The farmer says "Well, I've been trying to get my chickens to lay eggs for ages now and just today they laid their first eggs"
The woman replies "What a coincidence, I've been trying to get pregnant for ages and just yesterday my doctor told me that I was pregnant." She then asks "How do you get your chickens to lay eggs?"
The Farmer says " I used a different cock"
"Oh, what a coincidence...."
An Englishman a Scottishman and an Irishman are discussing their wives infidelity. The Englishman says I think my wife is having an affair with the postman, I found a pile of mail under the bed none of it ours. The Scottishman says I think my lady is sleeping with the milkman, I found a pile of invoices for the whole street under the bed. The Irishman says my I'm certain my lady is sleeping with a horse. I came home early from work and found a jockey under the bed.
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband came home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She shoved him into the closet, stark naked. The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And where are your clothes?"
The man looked down at himself and said,......
"Those little bastards!"
I had an overnight stay at Toddington Services when my car broke down.
I met a woman in the hotel lobby....we chatted, we drank a few beers and then went to my room, booking in as 'Mr & Mrs. Smith'., and shagged all night long.
The next morning I got a shock when I went to pay the bill.
"Â£2,000 fucking quid?", I exclaimed, "I've only been here for one night!"
"Yes", replied the receptionist, " but your wife has been here for two weeks...."
I got home on Sunday night, having spent 4 nights with some cheap whore I picked up in a bar.
We'd partied all night and screwed all day....the best 4 days of my life...wonderful.
The wife was furious, as I'd spunked all my wages for the month.
When she finally stopped her nagging, she asked me,"How would YOU like it if you didn't see ME for 4 days?"
Pissed off with her demeanour, I replied,"That suits me fine!"
I didn't see her on Monday.
Tuesday and Wednesday passed...not a glimpse of her.
On Thursday, the swelling had gone down enough for me to see her out of the corner of my right eye....
When Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was well After Eight. She was from Quality Street, but he was a Fisherman's Friend. Still, you can never be sure with Pic n Mix and they got on so well they went to a Yorkie Bar for Celebrations where he had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, 'Polo, she said, I'm the one with the hole.' 'Oh, well I'm MnM, the one with the nuts' he said, touching her Milky Way. They then checked into a hotel, and went straight to their room where Mr Cadbury turned out the light and suggested having some Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg and fondled her Flap Jacks before getting out his Curly Wurly and TicTacs. As Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he hadn't sampled Fudge before. It was a real Magic Moment and she let out a scream of Turkish Delight, although when he pulled out his fun size Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing so he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset and he had handed out Allsorts!
Bob was so proud of his six children,he was always telling all his friends about them.
One night Bob and his wife went to a party and they both had quite a bit to drink.
When it ws time to go home Bob shouted to his wife, ' Are you ready to go home Mother of six. '
She replied, ' Anytime you like Father of four. '
A businessman had a long standing affair with his Italian secretary. One day, she tells him that she is pregnant. He calmly organises her return to Italy, and tells her that when the baby is born, she is to send a postcard with the word "Spaghetti" on it so he can come and arrange support payments.
9 months later, his wife confronts him as he walks in the door.
"Do we know anyone in Italy?" She asks, "We've got this really strange postcard"
The businessman looks confused and says "Why?"
"Well, it's like a menu, all it says is Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, two with meatballs, one without."