My girlfriend and I were having a deep chat
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My girlfriend and I were having a deep chat last night about emotions and stuff. She said, "I find it hard to let people in."
After a long pause, I replied, "Just don't clench then."
I'm single now.
99% of British men approval of anal sex
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99% of British men approval of anal sex.
Even if 50% of British women don't.
I finally plucked up the courage
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Well, I finally plucked up the courage today to tell my future wife I'm going to Amsterdam for my stag weekend and she hit the roof.
She said, "Why do you want to go to Amsterdam for fuck's sake?"
I said, "Yes, that's it."
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, " it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £200 fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!
A man walks into his 14 year old son's bedroom to find him masturbating
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A man walks into his 14 year old son's bedroom to find him masturbating.
"Save your seed until you are a man, son," said his father.
On his eighteenth birthday the boy says to his father, "Now that I am eighteen am I a man?"
His father told him that he was.
The son said, "Good, now what do I do with the twelve buckets of cum under my bed?"
One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at in a country lane
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One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at in a country lane. Shining his torch in the window, he saw a young man fidgeting in the front seat, glancing at his watch, and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.
"Excuse me, son," said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"
"I'm eighteen, sir, and," (checking his watch another time), "in ten more minutes, she'll be sixteen!"
There was an old farmer who lived on a rock
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There was an old farmer who lived on a rock.
He sat in the meadow just shaking his...
Fist at some boys who were down by the crick.
Their feet in the water their hands on their...
Marbles and playthings and at half past four.
There came a young lady she looked like a...
Pretty young creature she sat on the grass.
She pulled up her dress and she showed them her...
Ruffles and laces and white fluffy duck.
She said she was learning a new way to...
Bring up her children so they would not spit.
While the boys in the barnyard were shovelling...
Refuse and litter from yesterday's hunt.
While the girl in the meadow was rubbing her...
Eyes at the fellow down by the dock
He looked like a man with a sizeable...
Home in the country with a big fence out front
If he asked her politely she'd show him her...
Little pet dog who was subject to fits
And maybe she'd let him grab hold of her...
Small tender hands with a movement so quick
And then she'd bend over and suck on his...
Candy so tasty made of butterscotch
And then he'd spread whipped cream all over her...
Cookies that she had left out on her shelf
If you think this is dirty you can go fuck yourself!
I once went 12 years without any sex
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I once went 12 years without any sex, drugs or alcohol...
...my GOD, my dad knows how to throw a good 13th birthday party!
A little boy goes shopping with his mother
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A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mum to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mum comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt..
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten!
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mum told me so."
"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T HAVE ANY TEETH DOWN THERE"
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
I was walking through the streets of Thailand
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I was walking through the streets of Thailand when a small girl asked if I wanted sex with her.
"No, thank you," I said. "You're far too young."
"How do you know my name?" she asked.
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